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Doo-Doo Chronicles: Dennis the Menace edition

I almost quit my job this morning. No not my 9-5, my motherhood job lol. You may remember a cartoon/tv character, or in later years a movie character, about a little boy who always happened to get into some mess. Giving his neighbor, Mr. Wilson, “the Blues” and doing things that would give his parents gray hair. This little guy’s name was Dennis the Menace, and I think he came back as a 17 month-old toddler in my house. Let me tell you this beautiful diaper story. It all started this morning after dropping the kids off for school. I returned to my laptop station to resume working. Since Mike was on a meeting, I kept Miles in the room with me and turned on his morning preschool class, i.e. Ms. Monica’s Circle Time on YouTube. When the intro song comes on, Miles gets excited and starts “baby bounce dancing”. As he bends down to pick something up, my mom radar goes up like “what is that?” in fear that he will try to eat some non-edible item. I also notice that when he bends, his pants are low showing his lower back. It looks like his back is discolored with a lighter brown. Since Miles broke my glasses last week, I have some old ones on in the interim with less prescription, so I shrug it off as a hallucination. He then bends over again and I take a closer look. Deep sigh.

I have a meeting in 30 min and there’s not a wet wipe in America that can deep clean this bottom. I usually bathe him in his little baby tub but this job calls for some grownup shower action. Plus my shower has a detachable nozzle head that I can spray him down like a car wash. Before putting him in the shower, I grab a couple wet wipes for a “pre-wash” to get the majority of the doo-doo off, while also doing wrestler moves to prevent him from sitting his bare buns on the floor. I finally wash him up in the shower and wrap him up with a towel upon taking him out. As I prepare to pick him up, my bladder called and said there’s an emergency evacuation i.e. I really have to go potty. I panic as I have tied my drawstring pants so tight that I need to do a one move, pivot in order to “make it on time” (don’t judge me lol). So I manage to do my pivot but as I turn, I notice there’s a blue hair comb with tons of tissue under it in the toilet. Miles!!! sigh. I picked it up like a hot potato before successfully landed on the toilet. As I look up and there Miles is with a “cheese” smile like a Sour Patch kid. At this moment, I fired myself from motherhood for about 3 minutes until I got him all dressed and fresh. I put him down for a minute to grab his towel to hang up. Miles runs off, back into the bathroom with me. In a two-second flash, I hear water splashing. Oh no, I forgot to close the toilet room door and Miles is in there splashing his hands in the toilet. I quit, again!


Yo! Mama Mesh

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